by Chioma Angela Okeke and Ebere Ijeoma Ikwuagwu
Now, we have seen the benefits and reasons couples engage in marital sex in the previous edition, it is also important to discuss other issues relating to how sexual intercourse should be carried out in order to achieve maximum satisfaction. They include the following:
- Naked and Unashamed
God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27). Psalm 139:13- 17 says:
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them.
The husband and wife must start by understanding that they are the image of God, beautifully and wonderfully made. They must appreciate each other’s bodies. They should not be ashamed of each other. They should be proud of identifying with each other. The husband must ensure he keeps his body in the right state for the wife, and vice versa. The right state here entails ensuring every part of the body is clean, devoid of odour. The armpits and the pubic areas (private parts) should always be neatly shaved and clean. It may be offensive or at least unfair to the wife if after the day’s activities (or sports), without bathing, the husband starts demanding sex. Sometimes, a couple may deny each other sex because of the foul-smelling body of their partner, especially from the pubic area.
2. Sexual intercourse is a spiritual exercise
Sexual intercourse is more than a physical activity. It is a spiritual exercise. 1 Corinthians 6:16 says, “Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, ‘The two will become one flesh.” Even when the man leaves his father and his mother and holds fast to his wife, the two becomes one.[1] Sexual intercourse binds, Malachi 2:14-15 says:
But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? – Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.
If we understand sex to be a spiritual exercise, then it aids our engagement in it.
3. Be romantic to keep the spark alive
The couple should employ romantic words during sexual intercourse. Think about words that will make your spouse needed, desired and appreciated. A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.[2] Rightly spoken romantic words have the tendency to enhance confidence and keep the couple in the flow. The book of Song of Solomon (SS) has given examples of such enticing romantic words and phrases which can be used. Such words and phrases are: kiss me with the kisses of your mouth,[3] your love is better than wine,[4] o my love, my fair one,[5] oh my dove, my beloved, whom my soul loveth etc.
In addition to using general romantic words and phrases, taking the time to describe different parts of each other’s body romantically will boost the libido.
The husband can take the lead in admiring and describing his wife romantically using such phrases as You have doves’ eyes, lovely hair, soft body, clear skin, fresh breath, a thread of scarlet lips, juicy temple, supple breast, spotless, your tongue taste like honey and milk, sweet smelling myrrh, fairest among women, white and ruddy, sweet mouth etc. Romance talk should go with some form of action. Describing any part of the body by either of them should go with a soft touch of the body parts described. Experience the closeness and intimacy.
4. Understand each other’s feelings and intentionally enjoy it.
Understanding each other’s feelings is important. This is because every human being is unique in their own way. What works for A may not work for B, and vice versa. A wife may prefer sex late in the evenings, while the husband would rather have sex early in the morning. What turns on Wife A and ready for sex may not arouse Wife B. Understanding each other’s feelings will help minimize rejection, conflicts and complaints. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 says, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful. So even when one person desires sex, you still need to ensure the other partner is in the mood for it. Where the other partner is not in the mood, there could be ways to arouse it. It may take a few minutes, hours or even days, but it is important to be patient with your partner.
Work with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love.[6] Sometimes talking and acting romantically can get one’s partner in the mood for sex. Spouses should intentionally prepare themselves and their partners through words, actions and dressing. These can help in putting both in the right mood.
Sometimes life is overwhelming especially, in tough season when sex becomes a struggle. Instead of allowing your sex life become a dreadful chore share your feelings and desires with each other, be affectionate in little ways, learn new things together, spend evenings together and laugh more to ease stress. Learn to experience a deeper and richer level of intimacy with your spouse.
Again, understanding each other’s feelings also entails respecting the marital bed. Adultery is a sin before God and a betrayal of your spousal trust. Stop tolerating flirting at work, online, keeping dating profiles active, sliding into DM’s, and texting people, you have no business with. It all starts with a harmless flirt. Drink water from your own well – share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in the streets, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves. Never share it with strangers.[7] What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder.” [8]
5. Make time for sex and be adventurous
Couples should engage in sex as often as possible. The Apostle Paul told his people:
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.[9]
Indeed, sexual intercourse should be performed often, except on medical advice (ill health) or for a few days, agreed by the couple to dedicate themselves to prayer and spiritual observance. Sexual intercourse should resume immediately after to avoid the temptation of sexual immorality. Frequent marital intercourse can serve as a guard against a wandering eye and a lustful heart. The assumption is that if we drink deeply from our own cisterns we will be less tempted to draw from our neighbour’s well.[10] Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth.[11] Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.[12]
In addition to having frequent marital sex, couple must introduce new and exciting styles to make their sex life more interesting. Do not make your sex life lame and boring. It is said that variety is the spice of life. Couples should explore different positions (missionary, doggy, side etc.). Couples may adopt the missionary when the husband is not too tired from work. Conversely, the wife may lie on top when the husband is a bit tired (or has been on top too many times). When both are tired, sex can still be enjoyed by adopting the side by side method. Sometimes quickies are okay too. The Doggy method can also be more relaxing for many husbands than the missionary method. When the wife is in her monthly period, they can still enjoy sexual activities by engaging in very deep kissing, massaging or soft touching of the body with ointment, whispering in the ear etc. Couples can also engage in oral sex by using their tongues on each other’s private parts. All these can create lovely and relaxing moments for the couple.
In today’s world of fantasy, iPhone, Facebook, twitter, Instagram and WhatsApp craze. It’s not a joke that we find couples time getting lost in the inanimate, rather than investing in intimacy. Unplug, disconnect, turn off the distractions and invest in your spouse. Build a fence around your marriage, and guard it by protecting your emotions, your interactions, and the way you spend your time.
[2] Prvb 25:11
[3] Songs of Solomon (SS) 1:2a.
[4] SS 1:2a
[5] SS 2:10
[7] Prov 5:15-17.
[12] Ecclesiastes 9:9.